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i'm extremely weepy. this might have something to do with pms, but boy do i feel blue.

i was reading a journal from a couple years ago & i'm not the girl i used to be, but certain old habits die hard. i'm no (megan) fox & sometimes that drags me down. i miss living with charlotte. i miss led zeppelin on the record player & eating veggies from the garden 'cause that's all i could get my hands on. i miss painting on the blanket in the backyard. i miss biking to work & even getting up at 5:30 in the morning to be there on time. i miss getting my tarot cards read & meditating in the back room. i miss napping in the park after reading for hours in the sun. i miss all the waiting around, even though at the time i hated it.

i miss everything i thought was so hard, but i had no responsibility. i was nothing but a dirty hippy living out of my car. i think i should save some money, buy another car, save some more & just leave.

goodbye you, you, you, you.

fuck you adrian long. i was always better off. telling me that i'm self-righteous. boy, you tell everyone off 'cause you can't handle the fact that all the trash talk should be pointed at you.

crybaby? yeah, well most people are when they get hurt. & you, well i'd rather be a crybaby than a god damn son of a bitch.

where do people like this even come from? this town is going to eat me alive if i don't get out soon.

wouldn't it be incredible to visit california, with a little stop in vegas only to top it all off with a ride home on the back of a bike, camping along the oregon coast. oh please!

i'm working on being a little sweeter. i'm really really getting into my nautical love. i'm pretty done with drinking all the time & having a bummer the next day. shit's not fun anymore. the people here aren't fun anymore. it just seems like all anyone ever wants to do is party (& not good party). whatever.

i really love when people tell me to get real & i don't like waking up in bed with someone who feels differently than me. i want to go to california right now & i want lucas to come home!

money don't grow on trees, love don't come easy & baby you ain't got nothin' worth talkin' bout.

i feel like a normal human being.
it's 7:30am & i'm at work & it's a great feeling.
joy! (seriously)

i think i'm a little bit in love with him.

talking to adrian makes me feel shitty about everything. i haven't second guessed how my heart feels about lucas until i spent two hours on the phone with adrian. "well, a guy like that could just be manipulating." you know what, get real. i'm tired of your insecurities, they just bring out the worst in me. suuuuuck it.

really though, i'm all messed up about the gypsy man. he won't forget right?
& my job is really getting to me (as usual).
"i really don't want to be here right now."
"you say that every time you come in."

one day i'm going to read my entries & i'm going to be one satisfied woman.
true story.

i went for a bike ride at 2 o'clock this morning. this is the second time i've gotten out of bed to do that & it feels really good. at 5:30am lucas woke me up to tell me he couldn't sleep. it was cute.

i've been up since then. i wished lucas farewell today, as he's off on his journey to california. i spent some time with my mom & went to watch an old friend perform. it reinforced my ideas of what role models should be. hey cathi marshall, you're golden!

i've spent a lot of time in the past week/week & a half thinking about things i'd like to do & learn. it really does consume a large portion of my time.

when do you stop loving the things you couldn't live without? i'm often living in the past, hoping to turn into the girl i used to be, but the problem is just that. i'm supposed to change, but that was never my strong suit. letting go was never & still isn't easy.

hmmm? who am i?
'sup stomach ache? i'm so tired it's making me sick.
good night, good night.

p.s - remind me to make a list of all these things i keep thinking about, otherwise they're just gunna get trapped in the cobwebs & get eaten by all the bigger, stronger spiders. oh, & it makes me feel warm on the inside knowing i get a phone call at the end of the day from him telling me all about his day.

i'm not really sure what's going on with my life anymore. HA!
nothing is really new then i suppose, seeing as that is a common theme.
i guess things i thought i wanted to do weren't things i wanted to do.

i'm not really into school right now. i always thought i wanted to be some sort of scholar, when really i think i would be happiest chillin' in the forest doin' some sort of environmental studies/work. i just want a job that i can always have & that allows me to move around & learn about the environment. i want to be an activist, i want to travel. i'm tired of what i do all day. i got bored with what i was doing in school. i'm bored of kamloops. i'm just in a rut if anything else. it's been a seriously well dug rut. hello up there, it's just me hanging on for dear life down here, waiting & hopin' to finally get the fuck outta here.

i met this gypsy man a week ago that taught me the importance of letting go. i don't know how to do it yet, but it's sure inspirational to watch him. it feels good to be held by a man. (yeah, yeah, he's leaving in a couple days & his nomadic soul probably won't come round these parts again)

i want to make him dinner, but i don't think i have the money for groceries.
jambalaya!! mmmm

i got the call today, i didnt wanna hear
but i knew that it would come
an old, true friend of ours was talkin on the phone
she said you'd found someone
& i thought of all the bad luck,
& the struggles we went through
& how i lost me and you lost you
what are these voices outside loves open door
make us throw off our contentment
& beg for something more?
i'm learning to live without you now
but i miss you sometimes
the more i know, the less i understand
all the things i thought i knew, i'm learning again
i've been tryin to get down
to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak
& my thoughts seem to scatter
but i think its about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, even if you dont love me anymore
these times are so uncertain
there's a yearning undefined
& people filled with rage
we all need a little tenderness
how can love survive in such a graceless age?
the trust & self-assurance that lead to happiness
they're the very things we kill I guess
pride & competition
cannot fill these empty arms
& the work i put between us
you know it doesnt keep me warm
i'm learning to live without you now
but i miss you, baby
& the more i know, the less i understand
all the things i thought i'd figured out
i have to learn again
i've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
but everything changes
& my friends seem to scatter
but i think its about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, even if you dont love me anymore
there are people in your life who've come and gone
they let you down you know they hurt your pride
you better put it all behind you baby, life goes on
you keep carryin that anger, it'll eat you up inside baby
i've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak
& my thought seem to scatter
but i think its about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, even if you dont love me
i've been tryin to get down
to the heart of the matter
because the flesh will get weak
& the ashes will scatter
so i'm thinkin about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, even if you dont love me
forgiveness
forgiveness, baby
forgiveness
forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, you dont love me anymore

dude, i totally miss you.

it was taken away like commen sense after suckin on a whisky bottle for days. & ain't it funny how your past catches up with you. the boy that took it away added me to facebook & what the fuck was i thinking?

ah, the days of being free & alive hangin out in trees, watchin bears eat the leaves & berries. i hear it in my head real low... the sound of that creek & the squish of wet shoes from fallin in. stumblin 'round in the dark, the tiny pinprick of a flash light piercing the clearings while we walk. & i know now what i should have known then, but who knew there were rules for being young & oblivious. keep that kind of window closed.

i can still smell the mountain air & the laughter tickles my ears. learnin' bout our bodies & what life could do for us. travelin' down that long highway, starin' at that sureal beauty. those clouds kissin' the peaks & the sun dancin on my dreams as i settle in for a quiet sleep. how fucking beautiful.

glory days come & go, but my day ain't over yet & someday you'll see me shinin' above it all, like one fucking bright immaculate star bursting through the sky, exploding my guts for everyone & you'll see it, you'll see it, you'll see it.

i don't think i ever felt so free in my life as i did then. cracked heels from walkin' round bare feet & dark summer skin, nude as the news. smokin wrapped in blankets at 5 in the morning before work & wasn't it so easy just to be still.

i just feel like i need to dig her out & capture her soul. cause baby, you don't even know how beautiful she was. & god damn my ignorance. i miss you pretty baby with your eyes so blue starin at that sun. those huge flash light eyes.

oh how i'm sure i loved you. i loved you. loved you.

dannielle nicole blackmore.

step one: put your MP3 player or whatever on random.
step two: post the first line from the first 20 songs that play
step three: post & let everyone you know guess what song & artist the lines come from.
step four: strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
note: google is cheating

1. i can smell the bleach that they use in the hall but it can't clean the dirt off of me
2. run a mile to see him smile, but you don't know he's door to door playin' you for the fool
3. she keeps a picture of me in her apartment in the city
4. as it burned 'till the end i thought of the boy no one could ever forget
5. do you see the fall is coming? come, i'm falling into you
6. my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
7. when everything we felt failed
8. we'd share each other like an island - until exhausted, close our eyelids
9. suppose i kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
10. baby never puts her trust in
11. melt me down into big black armour
12. there's a girl falling in love near where the pianola stands
13. & i sat watching a flower as it was withering. i was embarrased by it's honesty
14. hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
15. one may think we're alright but we need pills to sleep at night, we need lies to make it through the day
16. hold me, wrap me up - unfold me
17. & i wish you could know all the ghosts in my bones
18. you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness
19. it's true i always wanted love to be, hurtful
20. when you're sleeping with someone who doesn't get you you're gonna hate yourself in the morning

GO!

five songs.
(sorta like a devandra banhart-nick drake-jeff buckley mix)
please?

christy karpinski


my shoes rubbed against my toes & caused little breaks in my skin. one small mark on my sock, but it felt like knives; like if i had stopped & looked, the damage would have looked a lot like murder. the air cut at my lungs - sometimes the way cigarettes would burn the back of my throat & i'd swallow hard - & my hands were feeling dry & even colder because of that. but none of this was really relevant & just like these facts my life feels vacant & empty. everything is out of focus. try staring down a road to the very end until all it ends up as is a tiny pin prick in the sky.

the petals on the tree were white & everything smelt like foreign candy; really sweet & obscure. they wilted & this mass of green exploded on the branches, stealing open spaces & room to breathe. & at the end they changed their mood & slowly changed themselves & just as they seemed so beautiful they died too & there stood a few strong & believable pieces against the crass & grotesque contrast of everything. this grey huge backdrop sprinkled with scraggly, twisting fingers stretching towards the sky. they were stretching so hard until they could feel the tendons & veins popping & splitting inside of them. the last remains drifted off with the wind some time later & no one really knows why they left & how much it really took. the bare braches exposed; cold, so very cold. but trees are forever & spring's rain hits the soil & those tiny fragments of life still left, lick at the water & those broken limbs & stiff shoulders loosen softly & adjust to the slight weight of cherries & apples. little children take the fruit & with every bite they'll lick their lips or wipe the juice running down their chins on their t-shirts & on the back of their hands. & no one will know anything different than what they chose to pay attention to.




i wonder where my life went. & why after everything, "i don't know." seems like the most popular answer. i'm afraid that i've let myself blur into another shape & sound among many shapes & sounds & soon i won't be able to pick myself out of a crowd. that feeling where you're watching yourself from afar. i watch myself everyday & i critisize every movement & every flick of the tongue & every shirt that's been hung. i am in everything, what people call life & i've never felt so dead. i wake up at the same time everyday & never go to sleep at the proper hours, if at all & i'm running on frayed wires that rub together & send sparks shooting in weary directions & soon i can sense an explosion & everything around will vanish & disintigrate into tiny nothings & among them you can pick me out. the red sweater, the grey sweater, the black & white shoes, the uncared for hair, the deep & sunken tired eyes with rich purple circles & malnourished tinges. i wake up to dull light through closed blinds & the air is still & smells like the day before. i haven't been able to tell the difference between being sick & healthy for a long time, & no one really knows that it's been six years or somewhere in between & every day i swear "i'm okay, oh my fucking god, i swear i'm okay." & i tell everyone. i'll tell them until i'm blue in the face & screaming, but the truth is, you know, well, i don't. & that really doesn't surprise me, because not knowing anything is easier than fighting for the truth. & if you want the truth, i'm fucking tired.

i miss this.
(a lot)

p.s - happy valentines day
♥